Wow has it really been two years…….time fly’s when your having fun??!!! Well I was recently contacted by one of my fellow bloggers and she has inspired me to make a new post to update anyone who cares. We finally got pregnant, it was on our third IUI. We took a year off and decided to try one more time. I guess what they say is true, the third times a charm!!! We got blessed with twins in October 2011. One boy and one girl. They are amazing. It’s bittersweet to come back here and read my blog and remember how there were sooo many tears shed on this page. Also to remember the women who were sharing my journey and my dream. I’m not sure what the results were for them but I’m hoping it was as good as mine. I know all to well the pain of dealing with infertility and I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. I thank God everyday for my two little miracles and I couldn’t imagine my life without them. I just want all of you that are dealing with this horrible issue that if you ever need advise or to vent…….I’m willing to listen.

So I haven’t been on my blog for a long time now.  Today I stopped in to check on a fellow blogger who had gone through IVF.  Unfortunately she is still waiting for her sunshine.  That is the name of her blog.  I was so sure she would get to be a mom this time.  All of this has got me thinking, why is it that we have to endure all of the shots, probings, and financial bull shit to end up with no baby.  It’s just not fair.  I find myself remembering what is was like on our last IUI thinking that for sure this time was different, I was convinced that I was pregnant.  Only to POAS and find out that our dreams of becoming a family was gone.  Now I find myself confused as to what to do next.  We have looked into adoption and were sure that is what we were going to do.  But my heart breaks every time I think about how I will never get to go through labor and have them lay my baby on my chest and feel the most powerful type of love anyone will ever feel.  So here I am confused and thinking that life just isn’t fair! 

So it’s been like two months since I have posted anything.  Wow, where to begin.  My husband and I have decided to adopt a child.  IUI was just a lot more emotional and stressful than we had ever expected to be.  We thought we would go in and BAM I would be pregnant.  We put a lot of thought into what to do next.  We could do IVF and spend $12,000 and maybe get a child or we can spend that and adopt a child and know for sure we will finally have the little angel that we were meant to have.  We met with an adoption agency to get some info on where to start the process.  They only do newborn adoptions and the whole process can take anywhere from 9-15 months.  We are super excited about this.  We are planning on taking a vacation in May and then when we get back we are going to begin the process of adopting our child.

Well that’s really it for now.  I will keep you posted.

So I finally get my period and it happens on Christmas Eve.  Which as all of you know I should be getting my baseline ultrasound right now.  Instead I am snowed in and the clinic isn’t even open.  If I go in on Monday it would be day 5.  To late to start.  So it looks like it’s going to be another month before we can do IUI#3.  Maybe this is a sign??  I don’t know it’s just really frustrating.  The last time we started late in my cycle it didn’t work,  I just don’t want to take that chance.  It is way to expensive to not be sure that we are starting when we should.  Anyways it has been awhile since I have posted anything.  I hope everyone had a good holiday.  Here’s to a better 2010!

I just wanted to let all of you fellow bloggers that are dealing with IF know that I am so thankful that I get to share your stories.  It has made this whole thing some much easier to cope with knowing that I have this great support system.  I know that I don’t chat with a lot of you, but I do read your stories and I feel that we all have a connection.

I am hoping that all of you in your 2ww get a BFP.

I have been reading my fellow bloggers blogs and It has me thinking.  Not that that isn’t all I seem to do lately.  I sit and wonder if all of this crap that we go through just to have a baby is really worth it?  One girl wrote about how she remembers what it was like going off the bcp and how fun it was TTC.  And when you missed your period you would think omg we did it.  I am pregnant.  Except here I am two years later and still not baby.  We have no sperm and have to use a donor.  It was really hard for us just to decide to use a donor.  After two IUI’s still no baby.  Some of my fellow bloggers have done this like 8 times, and still they have no baby.  Others are talking about IVF.  Who has the cash to do that???  We have talked about doing IUI # 3.  I am not sure if I want to.  This whole thing has just taken over our lives.  I guess I am just confused on if this is all going to be worth it.  I watch shows that have the husband and wife in the delivery room.  Once the baby is born they had it to the mother.  I cry every time.  I want that feeling so bad.  But on the other hand I have been thinking about adoption.

I don’t know I guess I am just feeling really confused about some things.  Just needed to vent it all out.  Thanks for listening.  I hope everyone is having a great holiday weekend.  GO BIG RED!!!

Sorry I haven’t updated you on T’s condition.  He did just fine and we actually got the call from the surgeon yesterday that all of his tests came back NEGATIVE.  YEAH!!!  No more cancer.  We are so happy and excited, now we can more onward and upward. 

Another reason I haven’t written in a while is because we got a puppy.  Let’s just say it feels like we  have a new baby at home.  I am running on fumes.  He gets us up about every two hours.  He is so wonderful and has helped us get through a tough week. 

Just wanted to let y’all know that everything is fine and well.  Thank you all for your prayers and concerns.

Well T has his surgery tomorrow.  I am so anxious and nervous for him.  Like I mentioned before I work in surgery everyday, but now that it’s my DH that is the one being cut on I don’t like it one bit.  I don’t like not having control over the situation.  It will be an extremely long day of hurry up and wait.  I just ask for your thoughts and prayers to be with my hubby.  I will let you know how everything goes.

 

I received an award from someone who I would like to consider a good friend.  Although we have never met we have one very big thing in common.  We want to be mommies. Unfortunately we are jumping through hoops to get there.  We ride a constant emotional rollercoaster.  But she always has some words of wisdom or just a little note to let me know that someone else feels my pain.  So I would like to say thank you to Still Waiting For My Sunshine…my journey with PCOS and infertility for nominating me for this award. 

Here are the rules:

1. You can only use one word!

2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers.

3. Alert them that you have given them this award!

4. Have Fun!

The Survey

1. Where is your cell phone? desk

 2. Your hair? brown

3. Your mother? bff

4. Your father? best

5. Your favorite food? chinese

6. Your dream last night? terrible

7. Your favorite drink? coffee

8. Your dream/goal? happiness

9. What room are you in? pacu

10. Your hobby? painting

11. Your fear? cancer

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? IDK

13. Where were you last night? home

14. Something that you aren’t? scared

15. Muffins? blueberry

16. Wish list item? baby

17. Where did you grow up? Lincoln

18. Last thing you did? pee

19. What are you wearing? scrubs

20. Your TV? big

21. Your pets? Lexi

22. Friends? Few

23. Your life? journey

24. Your mood? good

25. Missing someone? yes

26. Vehicle? Neon

27. Something you’re not wearing? Jeans

 28. Your favorite store? Worldmarket

29. Your favorite color? Pink

30. When was the last time you laughed? yesterday

31. Last time you cried? today

32. Your best friend? Miss

33. One place that I go to over and over? inbox

34. One person who e-mails me regularly? Dad

 35. Favorite place to eat? Kona

So I ‘m not really sure what to write about today.  I have been so tired lately.  I am totally going to blame it on the time change.  It gets dark so early.  I have been a huge ball of stress this week.  Between T’s surgery and constantly thinking about a baby.  I am going insane.  I did something I haven’t done yet.  I googled adoption.  It was crazy all the stuff that comes up.  We are already talking about our next step.  It is so funny how we have not even done IUI#3 yet, but we are already assuming that it’s not going to work.  Or maybe it’s not that we don’t think it’s going to work, we just feel like we need a backup plan.  Because this is it, I am only going to go through this one more time.  It is just way to hard to get that BFN.  I just wish life wasn’t so unfair sometimes.  Why do we have to go through all of this just to have a baby.  I am so sick of being the girl at work that can’t have a baby.  Well I think my pity party is over for now.  Just feeling stressed out and somewhat depressed.  I think it’s because AF is here and we were suppose to start our 3rd IUI this month, but because of my hubby’s surgery we have to wait another month.  Oh well I guess that gives me more time to get into shape.  Thanks for listening to my problems.